tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-120631942024-03-07T11:30:46.211-08:00Ample SampleSwipe right to find out more! XDSataracthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792017535464845454noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12063194.post-56775189113206047362017-05-05T12:37:00.004-07:002017-05-05T12:52:17.232-07:00Dal for the broken heart<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The two most important things that life can mess up for you are no food for an empty stomach and ruining a chance for a great pun.</div>
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<b>10:45PM</b>, I feel a rumble in my stomach. I assume that it’s just a side effect of the enjoyable bready dairy monster that is Dominos (it was a good lunch). It takes me a bit of time to realise that it’s just my hunger sending me the equivalent of a phone call during a movie - loud, annoying, frustrating but invariable needs attending to. </div>
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I quickly rushed to the app that I have used the most in the last 12 months - Swiggy. Used to be Tinder but times change when you decide to settle down with your true love - food. </div>
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Scroll, scroll, scroll and I decide to eat a little healthy. And what can be healthier than dal for the homemade vegetarian that I am (no, seriously - I am vegetarian at home). </div>
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I place the order and get back to the memes that keep me sane in today’s mad world. (Side note - great sub reddit here: <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/classicalartmemes/"><span class="s1">https://www.reddit.com/r/classicalartmemes/</span></a>)</div>
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<b>11:15</b>, I get a call from a very irritated man. He is very irritated about something. I’d say borderline environmentalist-at-an-Art-of-Living-event irritated. It is the delivery “executive” from Swiggy. His irritation stems from the fact that I did not call Swiggy even though my order was not confirmed. </div>
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Um, I thought he was *from* Swiggy. </div>
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Never mind. I mumble my apologies and tell him that I will get right down to doing his job. </div>
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<b>11:17</b>, I call Swiggy to right the horrible wrongs done to their delivery “Executive”.</div>
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<b>11:18</b>, I am waiting for an agent to get free.</div>
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<b>11:25,</b> I am waiting for an agent to get free. </div>
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<b>11:30,</b> All the agents must be taking a break for dinner. Guess their order was delivered. :-/</div>
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<b>11:38</b>, I decide to hang up. Let them enjoy their dinner. Poor delivery “executive” will hopefully get some justice with his next order.</div>
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<b>11:45</b>, I call Swiggy again hoping that the vegetarian Swiggy agent on a diet eventually got tired of his dal and was free to talk to me. </div>
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<b>11:47</b>, I realise that there are no dieting vegetarian Swiggy agents. </div>
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<b>11:50,</b> My order is suddenly confirmed according to the app. I have my doubts. The restaurant closes at 11:30. I am quite sure about this because several sites confirm it. Yet, who am I to ruin a good thing. That good thing is dal, yes, but I have lowered my standards for comfort by this time.</div>
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<b>11:55</b>, A new delivery “executive” is a assigned. CoolCool CoolCoolCool - midnight snack of dal it is. Yes, dal, but the rumbling is getting stronger so it’s cool. </div>
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<b>00:00</b>, I call the delivery “executive” to make sure that he is not suffering any human rights violations. Hopefully he has not seen my order because he would not be happy about working at midnight to deliver a bowl of dal.</div>
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<b>00:01</b>, The “executive” tells me calmly that the restaurant is closed. I should call Swiggy. I am genuinely confused by now. Does *anybody* work for Swiggy or do we all just go around telling each other to call Swiggy?</div>
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<b>00:03</b>, I call the Swiggy call centre</div>
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<b>00:10</b>, The food served during dinner at the Swiggy call center must be incredible</div>
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<b>00:15</b>, I tweet to them. Use strong words. Unforgivable language. Called their service disgraceful.</div>
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<b>00:30,</b> Somebody calls me. I guess they finished eating dinner. Wanted to ask him about the menu in their cafeteria but there is a bigger issue at hand - my dal. </div>
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He reminds me that the delivery “executive” has confirmed with me that the restaurant is closed so he wants to check with me if he can cancel the order. I ask him to check all of the above times. He confirms all of the above times. </div>
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I told him to do whatever he wanted with my order of dal. He canceled my order of dal.</div>
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I didn’t get any dal.</div>
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What annoyed me about the entire situation wasn’t the lack of options to reach out to Swiggy. It wasn’t the fact that my food didn’t get delivered. I understand the delivery “executives” not having the right training for situations like this. Maybe I placed the order too late. Maybe Swiggy is cutting costs at their call centres. Or maybe they are spending more at their call centres on better food for dinner for the night shift folks. All of the above is understandable. Fathomable. You live with it in a country like this. </div>
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What annoyed me though, was that it wasn’t an order for a pizza. Or an order for a nice biryani (if you come here with your veg pulao comments, I am going to poke you (on Facebook)). It wasn’t even an order for a nice big bowl of proper Indian noodles.Those orders may even get delivered. This was an order for a dal. </div>
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D.A.L.</div>
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There are times when destiny will look you in the eye and tell you that you are about to be plunged into a pool of feces. In a time like that, you will feel like you are sinking. Sinking completely. And in a time like that when you reach out to grab on to some form of help or comfort, remember, you won’t even get dal.<br />
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Or get to call the person bringing you the food your dal-ivery executive.</div>
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Sataracthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792017535464845454noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12063194.post-57879248819905233602017-05-03T22:11:00.000-07:002017-05-05T13:07:49.103-07:00Pizza Man<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="" data-block="true" data-editor="2rmaj" data-offset-key="frti8-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "San Francisco", -apple-system, system-ui, ".SFNSText-Regular", sans-serif; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: -0.24px; white-space: pre-wrap;">
<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="frti8-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;">
<span id="docs-internal-guid-5e9d86c8-d1e4-da01-5654-baef044f0daf" style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Apologies to all the Billy Joel fans. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">It’s 9 O clock on a Saturday,</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">A small crowd shuffles in</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">I look at them over my counter</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">And wonder why these idiots don’t just order in</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">One of them looks for coupon codes</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">This is Domino’s pizza after all</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">But our best offer is free garlic bread</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Because this is a small outlet in a mall</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">La la la, di da da</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">La la, di da da da dum</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Bake us a pizza, you’re the dominos man</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Bake us a pizza tonight</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">We’re all in the mood for some calories</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">And a hunger that you have to satisfy</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Now, one of them wants more discounts</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Might as well just ask for the pizza for free</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">And he’s quick to point flaws with the outlet because</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">He is broke and has no money</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">He says,”Dude, this weird smell is killing me”</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">As I resisted punching his face</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">“Well, I’m sure that I could eat somewhere else”</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">But I know that he cannot afford a better place</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">La la la, di da da</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">La la, di da da da dum</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Now their pizza is baked and ready to eat</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">I make them wait because of cheap thrills</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Then my manager gives me the warning look</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">He knows that I need this job to pay my bills</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">It’s a pretty good business for a Saturday</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">We have been working for a while</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Now I just want to go home to sleep all alone</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">But Dominos is always on speed dial</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">And the kitchen smells like an Oregano orgy</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">But at least the end of the night is near</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">I think about my Arts degrees and all my studies</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">And ask myself what am I doing here?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Bake us a pizza, you’re the dominos man</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">Bake us a pizza tonight</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">We’re all in the mood for some calories</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;">And a hunger that you have to satisfy</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: "arial"; font-size: 11pt; vertical-align: baseline;"><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></div>
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Sataracthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792017535464845454noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12063194.post-3045725157526270222017-05-03T20:58:00.002-07:002017-05-03T20:58:55.538-07:00An ode to Pineapple on Pizza<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
We live in troubled times, today<br />
One cannot freely be Lesbian, bisexual, or gay<br />
Freedom of speech has no place<br />
Yet today, I am here to talk about a bigger case<br />
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Because of Swiggy and Zomato, we are all foodies at heart<br />
Gourmet opinions, everybody likes to impart<br />
So controversy is always around the corner<br />
And this opinion is going to be a s**t stormer<br />
<br />
You can keep your fancy, so called, Neapolitans<br />
And dump your wood fired nonsense in the bins<br />
What's all this fuss about this thing called truffle?<br />
Yet, it's time to talk about the brilliant pineapple<br />
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Sweet and tangy, it's a delight<br />
Dont agree with me, well it's time to fight<br />
It goes perfectly with cheese and a good sauce<br />
If you dont like it, it is definitely your loss<br />
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If you enjoy your pizza with paneer<br />
You dont get to go puritan on me<br />
Just try the pinapple and jalapeno pairing<br />
When done right, it makes your tastebuds sing<br />
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I'll agree that corn is not a good topping<br />
It's just weird and deserves a menu dropping<br />
But baked pineapple, holy Cow!<br />
Also, Veg biryani is more than just pulao<br />
<i>(This is another controversial opinion, dont lynch me for it - just eat your dead animals with rice and let me be because it was used for rhyming purposes and I dont care much for it - apologies)</i><br />
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Now, if you dont agree with me on this bit<br />
I genuinely do not give a sh*t<br />
Yet, dont come bawling with your opinion at me<br />
Because pineapple on pizza is my ecstasy<br />
<br />
I'll fight to death about this belief<br />
I will fight through blood, sweat, and grief<br />
Because pineapple on pizza is a movement for the truth<br />
And the one that doesnt like it is uncouth<br />
<i>(I meant to end it with a different word - a well known hindi insult but I am better than that. My pineappley values and virtues will not allow me to)</i><br />
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Sataracthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792017535464845454noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12063194.post-10760037872592444512007-05-14T21:08:00.000-07:002017-05-03T21:00:20.885-07:00The first verse is always the hardest<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I'm working on this song ,"Drunk on a roof with no pants on", which is very close to my heart because it is loosely based on this time when I was drunk on a roof with no pants on.<br />
<br />
So here's the first verse unedited.<br />
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//this part is sung sweet and slow//<br />
It was all so very perfect,<br />
Perfect for her grace,my love;<br />
The classy,stern and oh!so gracious,<br />
The delectable Miss Smirnoff.<br />
<br />
//this part is like some pirate shouting it out from the top of a mast//<br />
Yet she may run dry <br />
And not satisfy<br />
All my needs and make it so tough<br />
I would then have to cheat<br />
To make life compelete<br />
With a cheap harlot called Romanov.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Sataracthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09792017535464845454noreply@blogger.com9