Friday, May 05, 2017

Dal for the broken heart

The two most important things that life can mess up for you are no food for an empty stomach and ruining a chance for a great pun.

10:45PM, I  feel a rumble in my stomach. I assume that it’s just a side effect of the enjoyable bready dairy monster that is Dominos (it was a good lunch). It takes me a bit of time to realise that it’s just my hunger sending me the equivalent of a phone call during a movie  - loud, annoying, frustrating but invariable needs attending to. 

I quickly rushed to the app that I have used the most in the last 12 months - Swiggy. Used to be Tinder but times change when you decide to settle down with your true love - food. 

Scroll, scroll, scroll and I decide to eat a little healthy. And what can be healthier than dal for the homemade vegetarian that I am (no, seriously - I am vegetarian at home). 

I place the order and get back to the memes that keep me sane in today’s mad world. (Side note - great sub reddit here:

11:15, I get a call from a very irritated man. He is very irritated about something. I’d say borderline environmentalist-at-an-Art-of-Living-event irritated. It is the delivery “executive” from Swiggy. His irritation stems from the fact that I did not call Swiggy even though my order was not confirmed. 
Um, I thought he was *from* Swiggy. 
Never mind. I mumble my apologies and tell him that I will get right down to doing his job. 

11:17, I call Swiggy to right the horrible wrongs done to their delivery “Executive”.

11:18, I am waiting for an agent to get free.

11:25, I am waiting for an agent to get free. 

11:30, All the agents must be taking a break for dinner. Guess their order was delivered. :-/

11:38, I decide to hang up. Let them enjoy their dinner. Poor delivery “executive” will hopefully get some justice with his next order.

11:45, I call Swiggy again hoping that the vegetarian Swiggy agent on a diet eventually got tired of his dal and was free to talk to me. 

11:47, I realise that there are no dieting vegetarian Swiggy agents. 

11:50, My order is suddenly confirmed according to the app. I have my doubts. The restaurant closes at 11:30. I am quite sure about this because several sites confirm it. Yet, who am I to ruin a good thing. That good thing is dal, yes, but I have lowered my standards for comfort by this time.

11:55, A new delivery “executive” is a assigned. CoolCool CoolCoolCool - midnight snack of dal it is. Yes, dal, but the rumbling is getting stronger so it’s cool. 

00:00, I call the delivery “executive” to make sure that he is not suffering any human rights violations. Hopefully he has not seen my order because he would not be happy about working at midnight to deliver a bowl of dal.

00:01, The “executive” tells me calmly that the restaurant is closed. I should call Swiggy. I am genuinely confused by now. Does *anybody* work for Swiggy or do we all just go around telling each other to call Swiggy?

00:03, I call the Swiggy call centre

00:10, The food served during dinner at the Swiggy call center must be incredible

00:15, I  tweet to them. Use strong words. Unforgivable language. Called their service disgraceful.

00:30, Somebody calls me. I guess they finished eating dinner. Wanted to ask him about the menu in their cafeteria but there is a bigger issue at hand - my dal. 
He reminds me that the delivery “executive” has confirmed with me that the restaurant is closed so he wants to check with me if he can cancel the order. I ask him to check all of the above times. He confirms all of the above times. 
I told him to do whatever he wanted with my order of dal. He canceled my order of dal.

I didn’t get any dal.

What annoyed me about the entire situation wasn’t the lack of options to reach out to Swiggy. It wasn’t the fact that my food didn’t get delivered. I understand the delivery “executives” not having the right training for situations like this. Maybe I placed the order too late. Maybe Swiggy is cutting costs at their call centres. Or maybe they are spending more at their call centres on better food for dinner for the night shift folks. All of the above is understandable. Fathomable. You live with it in a country like this. 

What annoyed me though, was that it wasn’t an order for a pizza. Or an order for a nice biryani (if you come here with your veg pulao comments, I am going to poke you (on Facebook)).  It wasn’t even an order for a nice big bowl of proper Indian noodles.Those orders may even get delivered. This was an order for a dal. 


There are times when destiny will look you in the eye and tell you that you are about to be plunged into a pool of feces. In a time like that, you will feel like you are sinking. Sinking completely. And in a time like that when you reach out to grab on to some form of help or comfort, remember, you won’t even get dal.

Or get to call the person bringing you the food your dal-ivery executive.

Wednesday, May 03, 2017

Pizza Man

Apologies to all the Billy Joel fans.

It’s 9 O clock on a Saturday,
A small crowd shuffles in
I look at them over my counter
And wonder why these idiots don’t just order in

One of them looks for coupon codes
This is Domino’s pizza after all
But our best offer is free garlic bread
Because this is a small outlet in a mall

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Bake us a pizza, you’re the dominos man
Bake us a pizza tonight
We’re all in the mood for some calories
And a hunger that you have to satisfy

Now, one of them wants more discounts
Might as well just ask for the pizza for free
And he’s quick to point flaws with the outlet because
He is broke and has no money
He says,”Dude, this weird smell is killing me”
As I resisted punching his face
“Well, I’m sure that I could eat somewhere else”
But I know that he cannot afford a better place

La la la, di da da
La la, di da da da dum

Now their pizza is baked and ready to eat
I make them wait because of cheap thrills
Then my manager gives me the warning look
He knows that I need this job to pay my bills

It’s a pretty good business for a Saturday
We have been working for a while
Now I just want to go home to sleep all alone
But Dominos is always on speed dial
And the kitchen smells like an Oregano orgy
But at least the end of the night is near
I think about my Arts degrees and all my studies
And ask myself what am I doing here?

Bake us a pizza, you’re the dominos man
Bake us a pizza tonight
We’re all in the mood for some calories
And a hunger that you have to satisfy

An ode to Pineapple on Pizza

We live in troubled times, today
One cannot freely be Lesbian, bisexual, or gay
Freedom of speech has no place
Yet today, I am here to talk about a bigger case

Because of Swiggy and Zomato, we are all foodies at heart
Gourmet opinions, everybody likes to impart
So controversy is always around the corner
And this opinion is going to be a s**t stormer

You can keep your fancy, so called, Neapolitans
And dump your wood fired nonsense in the bins
What's all this fuss about this thing called truffle?
Yet, it's time to talk about the brilliant pineapple

Sweet and tangy, it's a delight
Dont agree with me, well it's time to fight
It goes perfectly with cheese and a good sauce
If you dont like it, it is definitely your loss

If you enjoy your pizza with paneer
You dont get to go puritan on me
Just try the pinapple and jalapeno pairing
When done right, it makes your tastebuds sing

I'll agree that corn is not a good topping
It's just weird and deserves a menu dropping
But baked pineapple, holy Cow!
Also, Veg biryani is more than just pulao
(This is another controversial opinion, dont lynch me for it - just eat your dead animals with rice and let me be because it was used for rhyming purposes and I dont care much for it - apologies)

Now, if you dont agree with me on this bit
I genuinely do not give a sh*t
Yet, dont come bawling with your opinion at me
Because pineapple on pizza is my ecstasy

I'll fight to death about this belief
I will fight through blood, sweat, and grief
Because pineapple on pizza is a movement for the truth
And the one that doesnt like it is uncouth
(I meant to end it with a different word - a well known hindi insult but I am better than that. My pineappley values and virtues will not allow me to)

Monday, May 14, 2007

The first verse is always the hardest

I'm working on this song ,"Drunk on a roof with no pants on", which is very close to my heart because it is loosely based on this time when I was drunk on a roof with no pants on.

So here's the first verse unedited.

//this part is sung sweet and slow//
It was all so very perfect,
Perfect for her grace,my love;
The classy,stern and oh!so gracious,
The delectable Miss Smirnoff.

//this part is like some pirate shouting it out from the top of a mast//
Yet she may run dry
And not satisfy
All my needs and make it so tough
I would then have to cheat
To make life compelete
With a cheap harlot called Romanov.